Okay, the bad news is that your mind doesn’t want you to be happy.
(There’s good news coming too, but bear with me for a moment.)
The oldest part of your brain, the lizard brain, doesn’t care if you’re happy as long as you’re safe. And that means it’s going to use aaaaaall kinds of sneaky tactics to keep you in your comfort zone—even if the rest of you wants out of it.
A few examples? Sure. Your conscious mind wants to lose weight. But exertion is out of your comfort zone, so your lizard brain whispers things like, “Eh, it’s going to be so busy at the gym right now it won’t even be worth it. Just go tomorrow” or “Ooo, you’re kind of sore. You’d better let your body rest up. You should skip today’s workout.” Sound familiar?
Here’s how to move past those pesky thoughts.
Resistance Wants to Keep You Safe
In his book The War of Art (highly recommended!), Steven Pressfield calls this voice Resistance and that’s a great name for it. It’s the part of you that resists moving in the direction the rest of you wants to go.
This is the voice that will try to trick you into thinking it’s giving you advice for your own good…when the advice does the exact opposite.
Again, this voice’s TOP purpose is to keep you in your comfort zone (aka safety). This also means that when Resistance kicks in, it’s a good sign you’re heading the best direction for you. This is a much bigger topic than we have room for here (my CCA students know I created a whole course about it to help them keep moving)!
So, you know this voice is there. But, it’s also a very persuasive voice. After all, there’s a reason why so many people don’t achieve their dream—or even their small desires. And while there’s a whole host of tactics to overcome it, we’re going to focus one key one now.
Beware of “I Can’t”
The voice of Resistance has a favorite phrase that you need to keep watch for: “I can’t.” Or more specifically, “You can’t…” or “What if you can’t…” or anything like that until, hearing it often enough, you start to think and say, “I can’t.”
“I can’t” is an incredibly damaging phrase. It closes doors. It ends things. It makes it seem like there’s no way around it.
And part of what makes it so awful is that, not only does it do all of that, but it’s also VERY rarely true. Instead of it being a fact, “I can’t” is usually an interpretation of facts.
Think about it: Is “I can’t lose weight” literally true? Of course not. Is “I can’t learn French” literally true? Is “I can’t make it to work on time” literally true?
They’re not true, but saying “I can’t” puts you in the same unempowered, trapped state as if they were.
When you say “I can’t lose weight” you assume the identity of someone who just IS overweight as a state of being. You are someone who is incapable of learning as a state of being. You are someone who is late as a state of being.
Why on Earth would you let some primitive part of your brain constrain you like that? I guarantee that listening to Resistance is a one-way trip to disappointment and regret. If you think feeling self-doubt sucks, imagine the kind of life you’ll have if you let it rule you.
Here’s an easy two-step process you can commit to following right now and shake Resistance’s hold over you.
1. Commit to Removing “I Can’t” From Your Vocabulary
Now, this one will take some work. First, you really need to notice when you say “I can’t.” I guarantee you’ll continue to say it as you work on building this new habit. But the important part is committing to ultimately striking “I can’t” from your vocabulary. Notice as it comes out of your mouth or even is just lingering in your thoughts.
2. Replace “I Can’t” with “How Can I?”
As in, instead of “I can’t lose weight” change it to “How can I lose weight?”Instead of “I can’t make it to work on time” change it to “How can I make it to work on time.” Instead of “I can’t afford this thing that I really want” change it to “How can I afford it?”
You can feel the difference, can’t you? “How can I?” puts you in an empowered place—it’s possible and you can figure it out. It also sets up a puzzle for your brain to creatively solve, which just happens to be something our brains excel at.
When you ask yourself, “How can I?” you get answers. You get forward movement. You begin to overcome Resistance.
(For the moment—Resistance always comes back. But know you know it and it won’t be a surprise when it does! Or, even better, you don’t make it mean anything when it does.)
“I can’t” closes doors while “How can I?” opens them. I may not know you personally, but I know for sure that the kind of life you want to lead is one with open doors, opportunities, and action. Whatever you want to have you can—so, how can you?
Your Turn
Are you willing to commit to never saying, “I can’t” again? And, even better, replacing it with “How can I?” Truly, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Let me know in the comments below!
Last Updated on October 22, 2023
I love that the you, the creator of this course, is influenced my some of the people and philosophies that have helped lead me here, through my own battles with resistance and ready for new tests, as I tackle this course.
Hi Francisco,
Resistance comes up for everyone — and we’re all in this together! 🙂
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
Hey Nicki,
Just wanted to let you know that you have a typo on your CCA Page. It should be effective not effective. Just thought you might want to check it out. Thanks!
Hi Teay,
Thanks for the heads up! Which CCA page did you find it on? (We have several pages dedicated to the CCA across the site. 🙂 )
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
Nicki,
I think you’ve revealed their is a motivational arch present in all our risk-taking actions.
At the pinnacle of our action steps lies the How can I? level. Asking this question triggers a left to right brain switch. If we can focus on the how can I, we are solving problems. We are no longer dealing with our past, insecurity, and fear. Give into resistance and let our lizard brain keep us from trying? No way.
Baby steps. That’s what gets us out of decision paralysis.
Decision paralysis? I feel like I just made that up. Maybe. You like it?
Matthew Kelly talks about this concept in his treadmill challenge. His book is called Resisting Happiness. Great read too and thanks for the great post Nicki.
Please change their to there before posting. Thanks.
Hi Jeff,
Unfortunately, I can’t make changes to people’s posts for them – but your correction is duly noted. We’re all only human! 🙂
Nicki
Hi Jeff,
I completely agree with the baby steps point; even small steps make progress toward a goal. And I’ll have to check out the Matthew Kelly book – thanks for recommending!
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
Hi Nicki,
This article comes as perfect timing for me, because in the past day or two I’ve been noticing some self-doubt creep into my mind. Stuff like, “What happens if I can’t do this? What if I won’t be able to put myself out there? Maybe I’ll never be good at copywriting…”
You’re right, our insidious lizard brain doesn’t like it when we try to get out of our comfort zone. I feel like all this self-doubt is compounded by also being young and inexperienced, and all too readily knowing that I don’t know anything at all. Yeah, sure, one can spin that as an advantage. It’s perfectly natural to feel doubtful, and I suppose it can actually be great to admit one doesn’t know certain things sometimes, but it’s a dialogue that my lizard brain ceaselessly runs on. I’ll be sure though to start asking myself “How can I?” and see what it says then. 🙂
Hi Christopher,
I’m glad this was helpful for you. Remember, that self-doubt is not only natural, but it’s a completely predictable part of the process! It was always going to pop up and it will periodically pop up for the rest of your career – the important thing is to keep moving forward, regardless. 🙂 (And I know you can.) Also, if you haven’t yet, check out the Bust Through Your Fears and Blocks bonus course in the CCA; it goes even deeper into these topics.
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
Thank you for this, Nicki! I am naturally a very “black and white” kind of thinker, but have been trying (with baby steps and the CCA) to think more in terms of “grey”. There’s more than one way to achieve your goals, and the alternatives aren’t always obvious at first. Copywriting is a whole new line of work for me, and there’s still a long way to go from where I am now to that vision of me being able to jet off to a rainforest to help save wildlife for a few months thanks to the financial cushion and work flexibility a copywriting career can give me. But thinking in terms of “How can I make that happen?” instead of “It’ll never happen, just go to your 9-5 and watch nature documentaries in your free time” is helping me get one step closer. I look forward to the day when I arrive. 🙂
Hi Jessica,
I’m so glad this has resonated with you. Staying focused on opportunities and possibilities is always going to mean you’re headed in the right direction; it’s only when we give in to negative and limiting thoughts that we get stuck and our dreams become impossible. Basically, they’re possible until you let yourself believe that they’re impossible – then, of course, they are.
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
This piece resonated with me hugely!
“Can’t” is a word that reeks of limitations, stagnation and anxiety. Thinking about the possibilities that could well be around the corner opens up windows that bring hope, faith, curiosity… and freedom!
Hi Laura,
I’m glad this spoke to you! And I agree, possibilities are the pathway to freedom. 🙂
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
I’m a student of yours in the CCA and I must say I enjoy reading (and listening!!) to everything you put out there. Your tone is informative, down to earth and very encouraging (I’m practicing tone identification lol)
This article resonated with me very much. The reason I decided to sign up for the copywriting course was because I was tired of letting fear (another guise of ‘resistance’) call the shots and now that I’m aware that it was resistance – it’s showing up in so many other places in my life. It’s an uncomfortable process, but so necessary for growth.
I absolutely loved and will use this phrase much more often and will lead by example with the kiddos.
I appreciate all ya do! Thank you 🙂
Hi Laila,
I’m so glad this resonated with you! It’s all too easy to let that resistance get in our way, so good for you for refusing to put up with it anymore!! And you’re right – it’s not easy, but it’s SO worth it. 🙂
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
I really appreciate this article on Resistance– How Can I is such a simple but powerful way to turn things around and keep moving forward. I’m in on the challenge!
Hi Jacki,
I’m so glad you found this helpful! If you can make it habit to swap out one for the other, it’s going to make a huge difference. Good for you for being up to the challenge! 🙂
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
I’ve lived life for so long with this mentality of “I can’t”. I’ve let fear and that lizard brain of mine stop me from growing. Copywriting is all so new to me and if I’m being honest I let life completely get in the way this past month of making any progress. I allowed one of the lessons to totally intimidate me into thinking, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to do this. I told myself “I can’t “! To be reminded that that resistance is normal has been such a huge stepping stone in encouraging me to keep going and not give up! I hope to take this reminder and run with it! Look forward to implementing this new way of talking to myself by saying “How can I” as opposed to “I can’t”.
I truly love the academy and the way you speak is so down to earth and relatable. Before I read this article I had just got done rewatching a few vids in the busting through your fears in the deep dive course. Absolutely love those! Happy to be back at it!
Thank you so much Niki!
Hi Stefani,
So many of us do! And it can be a real revelation to learn that there’s a part of your brain that’s *programmed* to keep you small and afraid. The key, of course, is to know that, to objectively analyze what your brain is saying to you, and take action in the best direction for you, anyway. Don’t believe everything you think! 🙂 Good for you for sticking with it and being willing to fight back against the resistance. It’s one of the most challenging and one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do.
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
The Bestselling author of Rich Dad/Poor Dad has a similar piece of advice. His Poor Dad would say, “We can’t afford it.” His Rich Dad, however, said, “HOW can we afford it”. Definitely opens up the mind.
Hi John,
Absolutely – talk about training the brain to think in terms of possibility instead of scarcity!
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki
I’m soooo excited to start the CCA course, Nicki; your frank, outstanding content was honestly the main thing that convinced me (signed up a couple weeks ago and just waiting for the busiest period of my work year to wrap up in a couple weeks—I know, I know, but seriously, I promise it’s not just yet another excuse!). I relate so much to virtually everything you write about and taking this chance in shifting from one freelance focus (editing) to another (writing) was definitely a big “But how can I?” moment for me. Can’t wait! 🙂
Hi Catie,
Great! I can’t wait to start working with you in the FB group! And good for you for making the switch to “how can I?” 🙂
Thanks for commenting!
Nicki